Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
This quote is one of my favorite quotes about motherhood/parenthood. Since Ezra was diagnosed it has really described how I feel most of the time. I know I feel that way about both of my kids but the reality of how much of me is invested in these little people that came from me didn't hit until something happened to one of them.
My heart breaks for Ezra and the struggles he will have to go through because no matter how hard we try he will always be different. I mourn for the carefree boyhood I wanted him to have. I wish I could just take it from him, his hemophilia; this is something grown up that a little one should not have to worry about. I don't want him to grow up worrying... but that is the reality of his life. I feel bad that most likely I gave this to him and I know I shouldn't. When my mom says if you gave it to him then most likely I gave it to you and “I am sorry” I just shake it off because I know that is not something she deliberately “gifted” to me. But then I am hard on myself for unknowingly gifting hemophilia to Ezra. That is what it is to be mothers... we would take all of the pain and hurt away from our kids if we could. I know my mom wishes she could take it away and that I wish I could take it away. Unfortunately nothing can change what is... and I would rather have Ezra here, problems and all, than not have him at all.
3 comments:
I was thinking of your family today. Eve and Ezra are really lucky to have you and Ian as parents. You guys are such good people and give so much to the kids you love.
Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. Having you was a sweet miracle. I feel the same...regardless of what happens now, I would rather deal with all of the challenges than not have the opportunity at all. Love you, Mom
have i told you lately that I love you?
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